I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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