Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
