atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
