She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
