We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
