hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
