i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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