.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
