I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize