i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
