i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
