i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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