You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
