nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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