i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
