Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You're a waste of cheezeits
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize