My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
