You're my little dorito
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
