i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it was like eating out sand paper
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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