oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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