I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
