Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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