Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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