batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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