You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize