Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
