i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
