Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
