there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i wish my penis had a tongue
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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