he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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