i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
