Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
