I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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