I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
