Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize