just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
