And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
