Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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