I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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