True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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