He disabled his match.com account in front of me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
