well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
