Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
