i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
