Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
