i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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