Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
