If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
