the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
