I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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