Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
