i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
