you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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