my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize