How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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