dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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