Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
