i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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