he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
