Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
