I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
