I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
