i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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