...so i touched it.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
